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Monday, June 9th, 2003
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1:26 pm - its something unpredictable but in the end its right, i hope you had the time of your life
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If i could express to you the pain on my tongue right now, you would think, half of it was cut off. Yesterday, i was minding my own business, eating my subway wrap when all of a sudden, my crazy ole teeth decide to play a dirty dirty trick on me and bite my tongue as hard as they are possibly capable. Lets just say there was a HUGE hole underneath my toungue, it looked like someone hammered a full size nail thru the bottom.NOw its like this huge nasty, red swollen lump that kills everytime it touches something.
SO im supposed to be packing, yeah for procrastinating. I leave thursday. i leave thursday forever. with the exception of coming to see the charlie brown gang one night, i will be coming home august 19th and then leaving that very night for a very long road trip to the southernmost tip of the United States. So you can see why my Type A personality madre is flippin out to have all my stuff ready.... eh... i guess i can see that. ANYWAYS, so my emotions are very mixed. right now im mainly excited to leave for camp. im picking up a girl on the way, but im also scared, scared its going to be so challenging adn im going to feel inadequate. its times like this that i have never been more thankful for my Lord Jesus becuz i know that if i hold tight to Him, then there will be nothing i cant get through.... Im ready. Beam me up scotty.
and yet im not ready, cuz as exciting as this summer promises to be... im still waiting for it to hit me that im leaving manchester for good. now manchester itself.. fine. but my best friends... my family ... my mommy...?? Yesterday i went sailing, and i tried to like take pictures in my head of every boat and every surrounding thing in channel when we go out sailing, cuz it hit me... When will i EVER get to sit on my boat again? i mean come on, who knows if im coming back for summer...its not looking like it will happen... adn that boat is like my childhood..
its funny how you take things for granted until you finally have to say goodbye to them. and that applies to so much. but damn, is it ever the truth.
remember family vacations?? oh what i wouldnt do to take one of those right now. to anywhere too. i remember when my family would take us someplace and my bro and i were never that enthusiastic a lot of the time cuz we'd be like "where are we going?" "to a museum? to a whole bunch of shops? wheres the fun in that?" and yet those vacations, were always fun. i have so many memories from vacations witht eh family, and when they were happening i never realized how lucky i was to have that time with them. what an idiot, miss. those were the days. parents took care of all the driving, all the planning, all the events, all the food...everything was planned and payed for, we were just along for the ride.... oh what i wouldnt give to go back in time...or just on another vacation with them... i promise i wouldnt take a moment of it for granted this time. i love my parents. i love that we talk and laugh together now. this growing up thing sure has its downfalls.
well the days are dwindling fast... last minute things to do and people to see and yet of course as expected i didnt get to do it all before i left. boy am i broke even now... anyway, this may very well indeed be my last journal entry, depending on what i do at my school next year... but i def will be writing emails like theres no tomorrow. So please my fellow LJ users, if you know we dont have each others email please, please send it to me so we can be in touch. OH AND the one thing that would rock my world more than anything this summer is if anyone, anyone at all would write to me at camp this summer! LIKE SERIOUSLY even just a single line, like "wahts up missy" and you could for real talk about ANYTHING you want at all, but my fellow squantonians know and understand the value of just getting mail at camp. its my ONLY contact with the outside world and it would make my days grand...
if you can, my address is:
Missy Briggs
Camp Squanto
220 West Shore Road
W. Swanzy, NH
03446
I love you all mucho anyway, and ive loved reading your lives on LJ. i wish you all the very best this summer and next year. please write me if you find yourself with a free moment...;)
god bless....
current mood:  melancholy
current music: good riddance - green day
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| Friday, May 30th, 2003
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12:57 pm - mad at the world indeed
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I havent been this annoyed/pissed or full of anxiety since that night I pissed Jimbo off at the Camron concert last October. THAT was an indescribable feeling, i hoped id never experience again. Seriously, like i can feel my veins pulsating with energy, like i could just start swearing at the world and kill someone if i even took one punch.
I dont even think i have a reason to be this upset right now. nothing is worth this feeling. but somehow, my feelings, my energy: something is adding to this.
Yeah so Busque cant go to the beach house trip. Okay really, it would have been awesome for her to come, and we are seriously going to miss her sooo much. and really, i feel horrible she cant come, and horrible she feels bad about it, but its really ok. i understand, it might even partly be my fault for not clarifying sooner or whatever... BUT NOW SUZ, freakin SUZ is pulling the "i dont know if i can get someone to cover" crap!! dude!!! i cant take TWO people bailing on account of work like two days before the trip!!! i just cant!!!! NO SUZ NO!!
i really dont even wanna go now. i really dont. and i know its not a big deal cuz that still leaves six of my favorite ladies "allegedly" going, adn i know that with them it will still be awesome. But right now, i HATE this feeling inside me. it needs to calm down before i kill it. ugh... i need to get off this thing... there has to be something else making me feel like this cuz this would not usually be reason for me to get this upset and this negative. but i just dont know what it is. i wanna cry..... and i want to know why.
Dude. and what the hell ever happened to the show Bug Juice!!???
i need it.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: embers and envelopes - mae
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| Saturday, May 24th, 2003
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9:03 pm - the boy is (not) mine
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okay let me clarify that a little:
if you happen to read my LJ and we dont really know each other but somehow i wrote something on here that directly pertains to you and was hurtful to you at all, i apologize. no im seriously a bitch... i wrote about dan taking me to prom and i know im not him and i dont have control over who he asked to prom and unasked to prom: but it was uncalled for, for me to write about it like a bitch (note i swore i promise only in reference to myself in this instance lol) and act all cocky about the fact that he dumped his date... wow, if i could take that back i would, there was no need for me to like broadcast that or anything i just had a moment of trying to boost my own self esteem by the mere fact he asked me to prom when he already had a date. not cool miss not cool. seriously, if you happen to read this you know who you are, i know we've never met, but i really am sorry. if i were you i would hate me, and i know i deserve that.
in the words of suzanne: "IL! i hate myself"
anyway... movie time: jim carey trying to be God. should make for an intersting journal entry.
current mood:  uncomfortable
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8:47 pm - Public LJ causing trouble?
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Um YEAH. I'm sorry and i feel really bad. I'm genuinely sorry... i think im gonna quit livejournal. the end.
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| Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
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5:48 pm - fun with laxatives
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Okay so 4 days without droppin a deuce = stinking up jamione's house, blockbuster, not a wink of sleep last night and a whole lotta intestinal pain. This is easily fixed with two little blue pills... the only problem when i do this is that i clearly took a dump right after taking them, and now in 12 hours im doomed for a whole lot more pain and the forced clearing of my intestines when i dont even need to now. its like my doom is certain. a very scary thought indeed. its okay though i assure you, because i will stay home until i have pooped out my very last feces, mainly because i have had no sleep in two days and i need to catch up tonite. just the same its nice being in the comfort of my home for a night...tonite. crapping or no crapping. anyway, the rain may stink and make me even more tired and more inclined to want to "drop the kids off at the pool" but it also gives me the enjoyment of sittin on my tush in front of the television and eating. thats right i ate an egg roll and a lot of chocolate today...whoo hoo...oh how ive missed eating chocolate. once again tho, i am saved, thanks to mr. laxative. (smirks at the thought of mr. evil chocolate hitting the ceramic tub in the shape of a stanky tube like poop...hehehe) OKAY MISS, ENUF!
hahaha and onward to reminisce about how great my friends are. SO... Roundtable weekend turned out to not be so bad after all. I must admit that come the beginning of this week (and faced with the possibility of spending my weekend in Block Island with family in the sun...with boats...and the ocean...) i did not want to do the concert at all. i wanted out. i went to rehearsal friday and was sick of roundtable after spending 20 minutes in rehearsal. it was like high school all over again. but luckily, my awesome friends (old and new) made me feel right at home and reminded me why i loved RTS so much to begin with. of course, i couldnt help but think about how much i wanted to take a reunion TRIP with everyone...
those were seriously the BEST times in high school. The roundtable trips. the end. seriously, i doubt you could look back at a time spent in amish country and wish more than anything you could go back there and relive it. yet with the roundtable singers...EVERY trip and EVERY event on those trips was worth while. there really is nothing that can top a hotel room with your favorite people, bus rides thru intercourse, PA and millions of puns to follow, prom crashing stories, roller coasters, and inside jokes with clearly the coolest people on the planet. for real..."you just aint cool unless you a roundtable singer..." even the most boring moments on those field trips were turned into a memory. sitting around williamsburg, we messed with 14 year old skateboarders and labeled everything "colonial" and went mullet hunting. (sighs) i wish i had a time machine. i really wish i had a time machine.
just the same, this reunion weekend brought a lot of friendly fun roundtable comradery about that i just would not have gotten had i not done the concert. i met and made some new friends (hawkes rox), fell in love with boys that are jailbait and others that are legends, and made new inside jokes and puns with old friends (quesnelma!). the weekend included a crazy night on the town at friendly's with duke's crazy erin conter, hot graham's lovah kelly buskay, jamione, and erika; a picnic at center springs with chinese food in which i merely got an egg roll but the total count became two thanks to my favorite sisters DiT; a crazy evening at Shady including non-roundtable lovahs "MARRIAAA" and ole suz; a renee zelweger flick with some of my favorite ladies and the master masseuse prior. its those simple little pleaures of life that will make the weekend last: that crazy old man in the tenor section, dumping starburst wrappers all over the ground, tag team quesnelma, "thats cuz she's going to!!", suz in spandex and rollerblades, "look what you did, you little jerk!," boarderfan85, fun with digital cams, cruisin to some of the best music in the world, dreams of opposite nail polish painting, ariana and crazy miss playin matchmakers, sugar packets in my chest, tenors that just want sex, losing your virginity in my car... oh the list is simply endless indeed. i love every single soul that was a part of the smiles and laughs this weekend.
well moving on... more fun times are too be had. lots of people that i need to hang out with... saw nicky laraia high out of her mind last night in hollywood video: she attacked me and we knocked over a rack of videos.... cathy will be sailing with ole mark briggs and i mon/tue. wifey will have her show on saturday in nyc and her birthday on sunday... id like to ride some roller coasters again before too long... well the possibilities are endless and so is the greatness of guster. why cathy? why did you not make me listen to them before? and so is the greatness of the beach house weekend coming up... oh and a trip to boston with cathy as well... and then oh and then.... one word: SQUANTO. all summer. need i say more?
mmmm... enjoy these few calm moments of my intestines and float away into the music of guster, smell the lilacs and eat some chocolate. i love life. Thank you God. And thank you for my full tank of gas in my brand new cool car. Amen. :)
current mood:  content
current music: all the way up to heaven - guster
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| Thursday, May 15th, 2003
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5:52 pm - so take the photographs and stillframes in your mind hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
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So about an hour ago, i was sitting at my computer by myself seriously on the verge of tears. We had just gotten ice cream for the LAST time at Twister, colleen had just left with cheri for her show, and tallyrico hit on me for the LAST time on my way back to newbury. basically he was like "missy, when we hookin up? its our LAST night here." and i was just like "i dunno tal, we'll see." like i always do, never intending to actually hook up with him but leading him on like i always do, cuz thats me "missy the cocktease." but anyway, then i sat down at my computer all by myself, depressed becuz holly just left which is like the 8th person ive had to say goodbye to today, and i just like froze. like for real, everyone is so excited to be done with school, and here i am wishing it wouldn't end. as much as tallyrico intimidates me, and as much as i know i wont party with him tonite (8am exams on fridays are indeed a bitch), it seriously depressed me that i will never hear him hit on me again. and who is he anyway? no one! i have no crush on him, we dont even talk and im going to miss him. so of course, that gets me thinking about the larger scheme of things... if im going to miss something as stupid as that, then how am i going to miss the way our room looks at night with all our christmas lights lit up? how am i going to miss having snood competitions with everyone? how am i going to miss calling everyone "crazy" and having them laugh at being called crazy? how am i going to miss brooke and her insane rendevoux around newbury? how am i going to miss kristin making me freestyle for her? how am i going to miss singing in the shower with my girls? how am i going to miss danielle's meowing? how am i going to miss farting in the twins room? how am i going to miss Aaron's yelling? how am i going to miss Ma looking out for me and making sure i remember to take care of myself? how am i going to miss rooming with my best friend since 8th grade? seriously, leaving four years of high school was not like this. and that was four years of my life. ive been here one year and had the time of my life with these people. we had the best hall, the best room, the best friends, the best floor... i dont even know how lucky a girl can get. and then my cell phone rang and i snapped out of my funk pretty quick as i was reminded of how truly lucky i am.
it was dan on the phone. he dumped his prom date (snickers). im going to senior prom this year! that made me happy. now he's redeemed himself for anything hes ever done to piss me off in the past and im genuinely excited to spend time with him, see colleen and joe, and wear my prom dress again. almost like going back in time, but not. i was depressed, but only for a moment. kind of reminded me to keep my eyes focused ahead of me...on the future. it wasnt long after he called, that i got the message to call my counselor at my new school. we spent a long time on the phone and i got my schedule for next year. (a bit of getting up early, but all classes i dont mind taking! :)) at least im not taking any math and science my first semester... thatll be good for getting settled in. maybe it will be awesome there. maybe it will be one of the best times of my life. the only thing is, so far, this year has been the time of my life. screw high school. seriously. screw it. i had a few good times in high school. the end. college is where life begins. college is what its about. and as long as im still in college, still on my own, still happy to be living my life, still friends with the people who matter, and still following Christ then my life cant go wrong. transferring cant go wrong. and its always a comforting factor to think that if things are in some way horrible... there are a whole lot of people that will remember me at westconn. a place that ive called home more than once. im not gonna keep talking about missing it here becuz i need to be done being depressed for the day. and i am. this dorm has never looked so lonely with all the stuff off the walls and everyone's naked room and half the residents missing, but its still newbury and there are a bunch of us still standing. enjoy it, miss. enjoy your last moments here...
sooo... hopefully jaime and mama morano will be here any minute. were gonna go get a bite to eat and then go to colleen's play tonite, which i am genuinely excited and thrilled to be able to see becuz i didnt think i was going to get to see it at all before. i will eat out in danbury one LAST time, see colleen's theater friends one LAST time, visit the remaining newbury kids one LAST time, and curl up in my 2 by 7 bed one LAST time. tomorrow i will take a crazy exam in love at 8am, pack up my room, drive home in my incredibly awesome galapagos green 2003 honda civic that i dont deserve in any way shape or form, and not look back. ill go to a rehearsal at 7 for the roundtable reunion, hang out with justin, think about how i will do my hair for prom, and watch the disney trip video, again and again and again...just as though i was finishing my senior year, one year ago, at this time, enjoying the weather while waiting for my life to begin at western...
current mood:  contemplative
current music: harry potter theme coming from the twins room
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
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11:27 am - ill miss the strippers, the unflushed toilets, and doing all the work in video production classes
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As much as i cant wait for summer and all the ecstasy it brings, i am going to miss this place. I'm going to miss it a helluvalot. Mainly i will miss the people, because the people are what makes the place. man, exactly miss, the people are what makes the place... well what can you do now? keep your eyes focused on the future in front of you. keep looking ahead and stay psyched. but never forget the little things that made this place home:
*I'm going to miss breakfast's every other morning with kara at 9 o clock.
*I'm going to miss sumo wrestling in the hallway with jaime.
*I'm going to miss all the activities we've managed to participate in, in the hallway: jenga, chinese food, gymnastics, break dancing, scooter races, truth or dare. the list goes on.
*I'm going to miss having a roomate who is willing to braid my hair whenever i ask her.
*I'm going to miss everyone playing Snood on my computer.
*I'm going to miss singing in the shower with my wifey.
*I'm going to miss the decorations in my room, knowing that i will never have a room this covered and homey in all my life.
*I'm going to miss getting Ice Cream at Twister.
*I'm going to miss all my friends saving me their egg rolls.
*I'm going to miss the way that foreign dude yells our names when our food is ready in the snack bar.
*I'm going to miss people stealing my Marilyn cut out and putting her in front of other people's doors and playing knock knock zoom.
*I'm going to miss making signs for all my wifey's theater friends.
*I'm going to miss the crazy times at Walmart.
*I'm going to miss having Ma and Dukes telling me how to take care of myself and taking care of me ...(wait i dont know if ill miss that as much as ill just be lost without anyone to teache me how to cook and do the essentials)
*I'm going to miss freestyling for the whole hall to hear me.
*I'm going to miss having cussing fights with Kristin.
*I'm going to miss frisbee.
*I'm going to miss bugging the heck out of everyone every evening to come to the gym with me.
*I'm going to miss Blaire's stories.
*I'm going to miss having conversations with random girls in the bathroom about how much droppin deuces in the bathroom bothers us.
*I'm going to miss taking late night drives to wherever we please.
*I'm going to miss having my wifey to get all my inside jokes from home when i think of something that reminds me of something from as far back as 8th grade.
*I'm going to miss Ma's ramen noodles even if i did stop eating them recently.
*I'm going to miss Crazy BT. nuff said.
*I'm going to miss the way my wifey shuts the door and tells everyone to be quiet when i take naps.
*I'm going to miss 3 south.
*I'm going to miss Eddie's gossip.
*I'm going to miss all the quotable quotes mainly coming from Aaron and Wifey.
*I'm going to miss laughing so hard every day til my stomach hurts.
I could go on forever. and you know? i just might. Live journal has not heard the end of me this week when im in reminiscing mode.
on another note, pray for suzanne. and my birthday is friday! :)
Love to all.
current mood: indifferent
current music: lucy in the sky with diamonds
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| Monday, May 5th, 2003
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7:27 pm - all i wanna do is have a lil fun before i die
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It's Monday. This past weekend pretty much rocked. I was in Rochester, completely away from it all, feeling loved, feeling happy, feeling free... everything was great. of course i will avoid negativity but go so far as to say the trip was a litle more enjoyable when i went by myself.... but ill stop there.
Anyway Suz rocks. Her friends rock. I could prolly go on for days about the guys in Rochester that make me so happy and make me feel so good. And when David and I were not fighting or bickering like middle school siblings we had a good time too. I hate driving tho. I hate driving in the town of Rochester in particular. YOu know what i dont hate tho? EATING WHAT I WANT!! oh man, prolly shouldnt have but i called the diet off all weekend naturally. my calorie intake prolly just ruined everything i had going in the past two weeks but man was it worth it. i ate EVERYTHING i could and it was soooo gooodddd... ahhh. im sitting here drooling just thinking about the chinese buffet and even the snacks i shoved in my mouth in the early morning hours... mmmm... okay miss sum it up its salad time.
Well lots of crazy times were had. Story 1: During the walk to the bar from where we parked, David discovers a scary looking manequin in someone's backyard overlooking a fence. We got scared and thought it was real, on the way back from the bar, David takes Suz and decides to go up to it and see what it is made out of it. he touches the statue, and its head falls off. Just like that, "HIS HEAD FELL OFF!!" (dumb and dumber) it rolled to the ground and they ran off screaming. meanwhile, ottis and i are standing in the road laughing at the stories i am telling him about how i really do get carried around in duffel bags at school. (ottis is 6'4")
Story 2: Suz and Dave get up and start dancing on a table at the bar. Said bar man 1, comes up and tells David that there is no Cock allowed on the table. Suz eventually talks sober, designated driver missy into grinding with her on the table. missy feels like a fool and continues to try and steal suz's friend Rob from Kristin.
Story 3: Kristin hates missy. never felt so excluded and unwanted somewhere in all my life. good thing i got more attention from rob and ottis than she did and i wasnt even trying. biznitch. conclusion: i love red headed boys but dont like red headed girls.
Story 4: A total of 8 egg rolls were stolen from the Chinese Buffet between me and Suz this time...OH MY GOSHHHHHH theyre still sittin in my backpack!!!!!!!! CRAPPPP!!!!! (runs to backpack, puts mushy egg rolls in fridge)
uh. ok. theyre a lil soft... do u think theyre still edible? wow good thing i have LJ to remind me of these things.
Story 5: Got 0 hours of sleep friday night and 7 on Sat ... went to bed early last night and im still exhausted.
ok enuf. Rochester was still awesome overall. things can never be bad when your with Korea.
today we went to Border's, got coffee/tea/chai (kara/missy/colleen) and read crazy funny books. got some good insults in store for you now so you better not mess with these queens of ice cream. im back at school, finishin up work, back on the diet and back at the gym... its not so fun but a dame's gotta do what a dame's gotta do. tommorrow is supposed to be a tennis exam. luckily its raining, but i still know i will have to take a written and i will not ace it. tennis is the most complicated sport ever invented. too bad its british. so i cant hate. its okay tho because my name is missy, but i spell it H. O. T.. hahahahaha
man im gonna miss this place....
current mood:  hungry
current music: smells like teen spirit
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| Sunday, April 27th, 2003
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10:03 pm - think you can handle this kadonka donk donk
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Name: Missy, Miss Miss, Cracka Miss, Missy Eve
Birthday: may 9, day after last day of classes :)
sex: "no thanks, im waiting til marriage" (hows that jaime?)
Birth Location: Manchester Memorial Hospital
Current Location: in crazy room 312, Newbury Hall, WCSU, Danbury CT ***********************************************************
What does your livejournal name mean: take the first name of the hottest pop singer i know and add it to the last name of my favorite actress/legacy in history and you get ME. ***********************************************************
Seven things that scare you:
1. Dinosaur movies (exception Land before time)
2. Dinosaur skeletons
3. Dinosaur Museum Displays
4. Dinosaur Rides at Theme Parks
5. Dinosaur documentaries
6. Dinosaur Pictures/Illustrations that remind me of the above
7. Danbury Mexicans
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Seven things that make you laugh:
1. calling things "gangsteR" (with an R)
2. calling people/things "ole" in front of my wifey
3. male drivers that hit on you on the road
4. quoting movies, especially oddball ones with Jamione
5. farting
6. fat people that order SMALL fries and other modifed fast food in hopes of loosing the weight
7. blaire stories
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Seven things/people you love:
1. Jesus Christ is MY Superstar
2. camp squanto
3. disney world
4. the sun
5. rollercoasters
6. the ocean
7. my aunt tammy
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Seven things you hate/dislike greatly:
1. Dr. Atkins
2. Greasy sausage
3. Fat
4. When people that supposedly love my friends treat them like crap
5. Critical Reasoning Class
6. the Manchester Abercrombie
7. the crack in my lipgloss container
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Seven things you don't understand:
1. Why my critical reasoning teacher has a personal aide, a walker with brakes, and is still teaching college classes
2. Why my cousin has decided Islam is the true religion
3. Why people order small portions of fast food and sandwiches from the low fat menu at subway with 8 pieces of cheese and a pound of mayo and still expect to lose weight
4. Why people lease cars and then give them back when their lease is up only to get another one and pay more payments on another car
5. Why so many Christians judge homosexuals
6. Why any girl would want it up the butt
7. Why i havent been taking any really juicy dumps lately ***********************************************************
Seven things on your desk
1. Make up mirror
2. Blaire's Birthday Party invitation ...lol
3. A coffee packet with Marilyn Monroe on the front that Mrs. Dit gave me
4. A hair elastic
5. A light
6. A printer
7. An "EARTH DAY" mouse pad in honor of Amy Perkins
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Right now you are:
1. Hungry, but what else is new lately
2. Wishing you hadnt eaten so much so you could eat a Matzah from the twins room
3. Signing on AIM and putting an away message up really quick before I have to talk to everyone
4. wearing a lot of jewelery
5. pissed at the zit in my ear (WTF??)
6. listening to "Sail Away" enya
7. wishing i was relaxing on my boat with my dad and a friend by the sunset sippin on dr. pepper or a glass of wine while anchored at block island listening to enya
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Seven facts about you:
1. I am 4'11
2. I'm going to be a counselor at my favorite place in the whole world this summer
3. I am always going to think im fat
4. I have the most talented friends in the world
5. I am a lifeguard
6. My full name is Missy (as in Missy Misdemeanor Elliot) Eve (as in EVE "whos that girl? eves that girl?") Briggs (as in Marshall Mathers mom, Mrs. Mathers)
7. I dont keep the cleanest room(s) in the world
***********************************************************
Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Sky dive
2. Work in Disney World
3. Order everything off the 99cent menu at BK once
4. Travel
5. Invent a new flavor of Goldfish crackers
6. Be on a reality TV show
7. Threesome with Japanese twins
***********************************************************
Seven things you can do:
1. belly dance
2. use an AED defibrillator properly
3. freestyle with the best of them
4. snowboard
5. do a backbend
6. memorize whatever needs to be memorized
7. give directions to anything within any of the disney parks
*******************************************************************
Seven Things You Can't Do:
1. tap dance
2. stick my thumb straight up without it bending backwards
3. drive without correctional lenses
4. stand ungroomed people
5. go a day without laughing
6. fly planes in the air force
7. reach the top shelf...anywhere
*******************************************************************
Top 7 things you say the most -
1. "girl"
2. "ole'"
3. "crazy"
4. "crazy like BT"
5. "we not accepted American Express"
6. "aight son"
7. "the end."
current mood:  blank
current music: work it - missy elliot
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2003
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9:39 pm - the work of tenacious D
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this is the best ever:
"Yeah um, uh, yeah hold on a second im looking at the menu. uhhh... no please please dont offer me anything. ill tell you what i want. uh. ok. you know how you have the 6 piece nuggets. Just ah, can you give me just four nuggets? im trying to... SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO MY ORDER! Take the 6 nuggets and throw 2 of them away. Im just wantin a four nugget thing. im trying to watch my calorie intake... PUT 2 OF THEM UP YOUR ASS!! AND GIVE ME FOUR CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!! and um, can i have a junior western bacon chee, a JUNIOR western bacon chee, im trying to watch my figure. A JUNIOR western bacon chee. No onions. Um, and im gonna go with a filet of fish sandwich. Since that has less calories cuz' its FISH. Now if you could take a coca-cola and just go half coca-cola, half diet coke. Cuz im trying to watch my figure. Gotta lose some of the weight. and a small, a SMALL chocolate shake. cuz im trying to watch my figure. not a large, a SMALL. um also, a small, seasoned curlys. SMALL seasoned curlys. ummm, fuck my ass, what else? give me uh... alright, cherries jubilee and thats it."
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8:56 pm - "man id like to place my hand upon that f'in sexy ass and squeeze!"
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Why does everyone's journal entry have some mention of food in it?? I hate food. I hate carbohydrates and sugars but i hate meats and eggs even more. Damn Dr. Atkins. I don't feel bad that he died. I dont know if hes in heaven or hell but I hope someone forces him to eat his own diet according to what's available to a college kid and following the rules for the induction phase. Let's just say working out on greasy ole meats and eggs can kill a girl. Sure is a good thing i went to tennis and history this morning when i had to spend a good 15 minutes in a stall hoping i wouldnt puke. My wifey says im crazy. I know i am. So today, i hate the entire notion of food. I ate a salad and the majority of an apple for dinner. Thats been the entirety of my food today. Doesnt even matter if i stop the diet, (which is prolly inevitable now), I cant stand food anyway. My battles with it are crazier than my freestyling battles.
But now, im going crazy cuz i want nothing more than to hit the weight room and run on the treadmill like my life depended on it but my stomach feels like a sleeping volcano just waiting to erupt. maybe the work out regimen has been a lil too intense this week. still tho, its killin me...hence, i am sittin here writing on LJ, walking around the halls slowly, and drinking Sam's choice clear american water:White GRape.
Wrote another freestyle today in my critical reasoning class...really is the most boring man ever. The freestyle is two pages long. Maybe ill post some of it later.
My self esteem uplifter for the week: Suz's hot red headed friend Kristin is jealous of me. Her ex-boyfriend, Rob, is like the hottest boy i met while i was in Rochester last time. They broke up kinda recently. Rob thinks im a hot piece, i think rob's a hot piece. Whatta convenience! If only Kristin knew. If only. (evil laugh) Today she goes to Suz: I'm jealous of Missy around Rob. I prolly dont have a reason to be but i am. Shes pretty and she snowboards...
ahahahaahahahahahaha. i do indeed snowboard.
Oh Kristin, if you didnt treat Suz and everyone else like such absolute crap, i might actually feel bad about what my next visit to Rochester will entail. But i dont. hahahahahahaha. oh im sooo baaad and it feels sooo good.
While thats all in good fun, (altho you never know i am just quite the sloot, promiscuous is my middle name and all) Suz's friend Judd, I think, is really making me start to like him. He says the sweetest things when we talk on line and he means them. I really think that if i was close to him, i would want him to be my boyfriend. He's so sweet, and cute, and emo, and fun... I dont find guys that appeal to me like he does for some reason. I mean, i guess he's not the cutest...but his personality just upps him like a ton of points with me. (huge sigh) Why are they all in Rochester??
I can't wait to go to Rochester in two weeks. the end.
Well my wifey's potential hot piece of man is coming tonite. along with the ariana goddess herself. hopefully it will be a good time for all. tomorrow hopefully we will hit up class, a visit to stew leonards (this store deserves an entire entry for itself), and i will tan (im really getting to be kinda black and it is oh so pleasing) and get my LAST PAYCHECK until camp!! ahhh!! too bad im using all the money for like my Rochester trip and last flings here...We'll have to all go out to eat or something before the semester is over. Saturday, is going to be the worst tho. 8am-5pm yah thats right 9hours, im going to be taking a CPR for the Professional Rescuer class to renew my license. Im gonna go insane i know it. 9 hours. And something tells me Mrs. Tedford wont be teaching the class in FARMINGTON, which means there will be no Big Boobs McGee to let all of us slide and tell us we dont need to do certain things. Ahhhhhh! I havent decided if Saturday night will entail a trip to Eastern yet... Hopefully ill get a movie in with the mommy on sunday and get back to FINALLY go to church.
Well thats the week to a tee. Next week there may be a lil more work to get done. But still we gotta live up our last days here too!! man, i dont even want to get into that nonsense now....
current mood:  awake
current music: all my tenacious D ish
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| Friday, April 18th, 2003
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7:25 pm - "those glasses, with that hair and that face... WHOOOOOO!"
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SO.
It looks as though I will be driving the 2001 Honda CRV for a year. This new vehicle has not been given to my care yet, but hopefully as soon as my mother gets power of attorney (few weeks), i will be driving this pimp monster truck.
The Ma dukes and i shopped for a bathing suit with no such luck and a new car...unfortunately, i will not be getting a brand new car til the following year, after my father decided that it is more practical to just use the honda crv for a year since the lease has to be payed on it anyway. which is fine. i mean come on now. im a 19 year old who is just mad excited to be going to school in west palm beach next year, i dont need a new car too. but i must say i would be lying if i said i wasnt the least bit disappointed after picking out the PERFECT car. Yeah were talking the new galapagos green 2003 Honda civic fully loaded (thats right i said GALAPAGOS GREEN)... But then there was a dispute on the home front (my mom wants me to have the new car, while my dad wants to know how she plans on paying for that and my tuition), so basically the conclusion was to hold out for a year. whatever. im still lucky. just gotta work on backing that crazy ole car up... i feel like im going truckin in that ish. lol. oh well, lotsa room for passengers. much more comfy than the ole hatchback.
Last night ole suz and i met up with crazy dave russo at macaroni grill. we decorated a tie for him and met some of his crazy italian waiter friends. there we saw the whole Marinelli family eating, and good ole pete came over to chat for a while. apparently lisa is pregnant, and michelle is still dating dan prindle. then we went to dave's, had a chat with the rents, and met up with the crazy macaroni waiters at Friday's. suz and i got hit on by this crew of black men at the bar... this ended with suz commenting "So. Wheres the missus?" (it seems as though one of our 'friends' had a wedding ring on and then proceeded to get pissed and leave us alone...hahaha) Anyway, i thought dave's friend kyle was cute, and he may have snuck a few secret glances and gotten a lil peck, but all my hopes and dreams were shattered as dave so proudly informed me in the car that he is a crack head. and there, i indeed, intend no pun whatsoever. eh. you win some you lose some. i draw the line when it comes to crack. im not that crazy. anyway there was some good food, good laughs, good games, good freestylin' and a good time.
i must express how it is the best when people pick up phrases that they dont even know where the origin came from... as suz so regularly says "thats CRAAZZYY... like BT." becuz bt is indeed the craziest. that phrase should be universal. we should strive for national usage.
Heather (the EX manager at abercrombie) just called me to ask if had someone to cover for me. i clearly told her no (as i thought this had already been made clear to her) but then she proceeds to ask me if crazy lemur had anyone to cover for him. i said "i dont know. i havent talked to him. did he say he did?" and she goes "well he better have or he doesnt have a job here anymore." she ends this phrase with one of those snotty laughs that only she knows how to do. HAH. that is all i have to say about that.
anyway tonite is prolly another night with suz, not sure what were doing yet. OOOOLLEEE italy is about to stop by cuz she needs something "scandalous to wear" tonite. lol. gee whiz. oh its not as bad as it sounds, she called funke first. muahahaha.
current mood:  happy
current music: motown philly -boyz II men
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| Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
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6:49 pm - the weather is here wish you were beautiful
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Dude.
It's gorgeous out. I was outside today for maybe three to four hours and now i can feel that slightly burned skin feeling you get after being at a theme park all day. It's like ecstasy. If only it was going to stay like this every day... ehhh its not that long until summer, or even sooner til we are out of school... and that leaves merely free time to shoot the breeze and do as i please until june 12th when i leave for my favorite place in the entire world (next to disney world) for the whole summer. does life get much better? maybe if i was in disney world with squanto and my best friends in gorgeous weather, eating a pineapple concoction from the pineapple place and not gaining a pound, and then laying out in under the stars by the beach praying and falling in love...
Hey no limits right. there are no limits to my dreams. the end.
anyway, we got a staff list today for the people working at squanto so far. needless to say, i was excited. i emailed a few, at least the ones i recognized. i hope i CAN get to know some people, get in touch with old friends before we go. but anyway, the sun is out and God is starting rile me up once again... i read that beautiful letter that Erin's friend had posted, and the goosebumps returned. it felt good.
on the flip side. i ate a TON of chocolatey candy today. it made me feel bad. then i ran 2 miles on the tread mill at high speeds and now i feel wiped. hmmm maybe that just burned feeling is really dried sweat...probably...but i dont plan on showering becuz its my last day at abercrombie and i feel like being an ungroomed rebel.
mmmmmm.... last day at abercrombie. :) this fills me with such happiness its indescribable. but u know what? theyve been wicked nice to me lately. kelly (new manager) even offered me a job back if i ever was around and needed one for a break or something. no job has ever offered me my job back if i wanted it. me and ole' jack (yes i must insert ole here becuz it is indeed a term of endearment and i love to use it!)have been getting along wonderfully. he calls me Missy. missy eve. and then sometimes repeats it a third time adding my last name. this is prolly becuz A)i tried to battle him in freestyle and i lost B)becuz im leaving or C)becuz heather thinks i do good work. but unfortunately folks, i am not so saddened at the prospect of leaving. i feel quite inadequate there most of the time. im just not A+F material. while ive finally made myself at home there, id rather not be a part of their "we're ridulously hot, no one can mess with us" clan. they are too cocky and im just not hot enuf. i do not enjoy the pesky looks i get if i decide that im a size 4 instead of a 2. ahhh i hate being so self consious... and that store just made it SOOO much worse. not to mention i will not miss working those crazy ass hours. it is not fun gettin up at 830 when you just went to bed at like 4/4:30 cuz they didnt let me out til 330 am. oh man oh man im so done. four hours tonite and goodbye forever. but wahts awesome is that i was supposed to work friday but they arent going to make me or so they say.... in any case...i am so home, after my last class thursday!! XD
Wow. My armpits smell ridiculously good. who cares if every chick at the store is hotter than me my degree deodorant outdoes theirs anyday.
So. Story time. Suz came up yesterday, then left becuz shes Korean and Koreans are crazy like that (she was supposed to sleep over) and we went out to eat at Ruby Tuesdays. But not before getting gas. Dont u love how the people at gas stations are always foreign and never speak good English? Yeah well, this one was no exception. Except u think maybe the signs they put up should at least be adequately American considering we are in America. Oh no. OOOOLLLLEEEEEE' Italy and Krazy Korean Suz points out thatthe sign posted on the gas pump, stating that they dont accept American Express reads: We Not Accepted American Express. Yes you read that corectly. I indeed stole it.
It now is posted outside our dorm room door.
So anyway, yeah there are a few things that have been crappy, and upsetting me lately. theres the obvious and the not so obvious, and other things...but u know what? why dwell on those today. its gorgeous out and while there are still a few goals i have for myself and some work to get done before the year is out...there is so much to look foward to: Easter, Visiting Suz in Rochester, Girls Getaway at the Briggs Beach House, Sun, Sailing, and of course CAMP SQUANTO.
Aaaaannndddd... EXHEUNT.
current mood: thankful
current music: Audio Adrenaline - Dont censor me
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| Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
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1:14 pm - a slice of crackamissyeve for this beautiful day
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The class in which used to be taught by the lady that can not be exposed to any chemical smells (like we can not shower on days we have this class, we can not deodorize with scented deodorant, etc..) has a new teacher. This man is the oldest living man in the world. He is escorted to class by a woman while he pushes his walker with actual brakes. Yes i said brakes. ON a WALKER... He is the slowest, most boring man ever as well. Anyway, classes like this drive me to freestyle. I do it often, but this class was especially inspiring last week. So for the livejournal community's viewing pleasure, i bring u an example of a freestyle, written last week. This is what i do. its not who i am. read on:
There was a time when I almost fell into a slumber/I almost wish this man would fall like lumber/It dont matta if yo black, white or purple/Id ratha have a motha effin' purple nurple/This man is slow and old like Santa Claus/He prolly made the original Constitutional laws/I wonder if hes ever seen that flick Jaws/Or we could just tip him over like those see-saws/Ya'll are in awe/Im the best effin' rappa you ever saw/This motha effin teach is talkin bout kids in Nam/Stick wit me I'll have you eatin outta my palm/...Pilot/I'm phat with a PH like my girl Violet/Beauregard/Dont disregard/I'll make you eat it like a cow eats his lard/Aight aight discard/that ish.../make a wish/ya'll boys wished I was next to you in the morn/betta not check it, rent yo'self some porn/Im mad famous, untoucable like Rip Torn/Ma freestyles are worn/but its all good cuz i mix it up like corn/ ...UCOPIA/Im motha effin parched, get me a fruitopia/I aint no mess wit the bud laced wit drugs/But ill effin out spit you and yo thugs/get under the rugs/for i feed yo ass some slugs/Best get out I'm just gettin loose/I got the fire of Dr. Seuss/wit a ghetto caboose/Yall cant beat my rhymes skills and style/take a backseat, im sharp like a crocodile/Sit for awhile/and catch yo breath/Im crazier now than ya'll on crystal meth/I got the English shit down betta than Macbeth/Don't matta where I am Danbury, Boston or Rochesta/Couldnt be betta in my crib in Manchesta/turn the lightbulb on like Uncle Festa/cool and sweet like Willa Wonka/but i can be hard ass, steal all your tonka/...trucks/I give you a spoon for 20 bucks/Its crackamissyeve and i dont give a fuck.
Beat that ish...
On a side note...the weather is gorgeous and crazy ole suz is supposed to holla at me today!!
today rocks cocks. the end.
current mood:  chipper
current music: its oh so quiet - bjork
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
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3:12 pm - i stick loneliness, your lips and the two coins of your eyes into my pocket
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There are mornings, specifically these past few, where there isnt a single cell in my brain that wants my dreams to end and the real day to begin. Sometimes i just wish i could get lost in my dreams and live them out for real...or at least just for as long as i want them to last...like a day or so...
These last couple nights ive just had these dreams of things that make me happy... of things/people that have absolutlely nothing to do with the bad things that are currently haunting my life. Unfortunately, every morning at 8:30, Mary kate adn ashley olsen (as much as i love them and their music) have started singing in my ear, taking me out of my dream world. Dreams of places i want to be, of boys id never date, of situations that just couldnt exist. and yet for those 6 hours every night they are so real... and im content.
As my last entry alluded... he's dead. i came home sunday and my mom didnt even have to tell me. i just said, "so when did he go?" and she gave me the details and we cried our eyes out. but we're clavettes, my mom and i. so the next day, we both went about our usual ways, for me...like it barely bothered me at all. i spent that sunday evening wirting a speech i want to give at the funeral, but it remains to be seen if i actually go thru with it. i told her i wanted to talk. its a closed casket. i was mad about that. but i think this time around im going to display a little more emotion because i have so far... i did cry. i even cryed before he was dead, even if it was for only a night. but this week, im just getting by, you know? its all you can do. granted my mood in general has suffered a bit, but im so lucky in so many ways.
ive felt a little distant from my Lord this week. i guess its understandable. But slowly, im starting to feel him again. becuz there really really are so many things that i have to be thankful for... first off, my immediate family. my mom is incredible. my father really does love me. and i know that one day my brother and i will be inseparable. i have them. it shouldnt matter if the other two family members that mattered most are gone... my aunt donna is becoming my best friend and next year, there is so much potential for my aunt tammy (the one that lives in florida).
my friends are awesome. they really are. their humor is not the top 2%, no im sorry but TOP 1%. and i need that right now. i asked my roomate to come to the funeral and shes going to drive all the way from danbury to manchester just to go for that night all because i asked her too. she even said she'd "get up on the altar and battle them all if i wanted her too." hahah oh man completely different story.but the mood we were in the other night was so insane, we were going about freestylin cuz we just watch 8 mile and dit decided she was going to challenge Mannny, the RA, to "a battle." (it goes without saying she didnt realize it was Manny til after she yelled "YOU WANNA BATTLE SON??" ...becuz manny is black and prolly would really kick our asses if we really battled him...) anyway, its nights and moods like that that can totally pick me up for an hour or two, when thats really what i need somtimes.
i asked funke to come to the funeral too, she said she would. the invitation of course goes out to all of my best buds...i am so incredibly thankful for the support and love you guys give me on a daily basis.
im so lucky. i dont wanna leave here. i do but i dont. the thought of a new place, and a whole new situation totally excites me but its just like, the people that kill my dreams. im so blessed to have the friends i have here, and leaving them and all the people ive met at this school is going to be heartwrenching when it actually comes down to it. i dont think i let that sit on me at all when i made all the arrangements to transfer. like missing everyone is such an understatement. on that note...i love this hall. i love living in newbury...
let me just say.... funniest story ever. who even cares i was never nominated for homecoming queen in high school? who cares i never got a lead in a play? who needs all that when you're nominated for new/returning resident of the year!!?? hahahahahahahaha... oh man. i think a few kids played a trick and said my name and it doesnt even matter that ill prolly have two votes when they vote, i was nominated for whatever those awards are. my life is made. who needs to be miss usa when you were nominated for miss connecticut?? hahahaha i love it.
and another small but important thing that cheers me up is freestyling. its been a non - stop whilwhind of battles lately and i love it. it all started with my battle at this party in rochester with suz's boy bubba(shane). he pretty much kicked my buttocks then but weve been goin at it online lately and that boy knows how to make me smile. then theres my manager at abercrombie taht jsut walks around freestylin like its his job. hes hilarious. clearly the highlight of work with him. i told him i could take him if i had a beer. he said "well we'll go smoke a blunt sometime and see how it goes." lol if only i smoked ole jack. if only.
so on that note. work wasnt completely horrible for the first time, last night. maybe it was becuz i was the only girl working. it helps to not feel so fat and ugly when theres no one aroudn to compare urself to. but i worked with crazy lemur and this other kid chris that goes to western who actually is quite friendly. and then of course theres jack whose all freestylin and this quiet kid jim who i actually got to say a few words and watch him get into a fight with manager jack. there were quite a few laughs by the end of the night. its actually pretty cool how when i go in there and a couple of the other guys taht work there will say hi when i dont even say anything. they even know my name by now. it seriously amazes me. lol. they seemed to unfriendly, like they didnt like me at all at first. usually, im serioulsy like the quietest girl youve ever seen when i go to work... i guess theyve just gotten used to me... too bad quitting is indeed in my future...
well kara's sis had her baby. i was supposed to go to a wedding with dan this saturday. turns out he really doesnt want me to go cuz his ex will be there. that ticks me off. but know what? id rather not go to a wedding and then a funeral two days later. so i really dont care. hes another story in himself. i miss suz incredibly and i really wanna go back to rochester again soon but it disapoints me that i dont know when thatll ever happen.... i had such a good time this vacay up until the very end.
well kids, thats all for now... there is always light at the end of the tunnel and i think i will see that a lot more once we see a sunny/warm day around here again. sun makes everything alright.
current mood: hungry
current music: two coins - dispatch
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| Sunday, March 30th, 2003
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7:55 am - "huh. sounds like doom!"
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There are far too many things that are making my stomach upset right now. I dont think that Tums can fix it. But i surely am going to try even i have to drive aimlessly into the town of Rochester...
Suz is at her jazz/dessert concert thingy right now. I went last night with her but tonite i stayed here for a while so then i will meet up with her at like 830 when tehres only an hour left becuz these things have a way of being boring... whoda thought?
Yet boring is not the adjective to describe Rochester or my life right now. Granted, i feel sick as a dog at the moment, but analyzing the short time ive spent here already, I have truly enjoyed myself. I got the full suz/Rochester experience, minus the clubbin which will be culminating tonight. I love Rochester. I love Rochester food (as sick as it makes me), i love Rochester girls, and i sure do love Rochester boys, i love Rochester po-po and i love Rochester old ladies with road rage. i love rochester jokes and rochester friends... its a good time. truly worth my 6 hour drive... ive met some cool kids had some cool times adn most of all spending cool/crazy times with crazy ole suzziq... i love that korean. the end.
This morning i didnt sleep much...maybe it had something to do with the night i had... we didnt go to bed til 5am and ended our night by eating the most greasy ridiculous food ever (but bangin as you could ever imagine...) So i woke up feeling a lil crappy...signs of a cold starting, a crappy stomach...waves of worry/guilt...who knows...
I just talked to my mother. I know hes dead. i know it. i knew it from her tone of voice. Fuck that shit. no fucking fuck it. Ive never been able to say good bye to any of my family members EVER. he prolly freakin died last night while i was out havin a grand ole time with a couple beers and new friends, while the freedom and excitement of my young adulthood was just filling me with life. Life that i know he wasnt having...life that i know he doesnt have anymore. A life that i know i will never get to say good bye to.
and it wont matter. it wont fucking matter how many times im going to be told that he knew i loved him and he knew i would of loved to be there. i wasnt. i was here. having a grand ole time. and how does having a good time compare to losing a loved one? it doesnt ... i feel guilty and im angry.
My mom didnt tell me what happened. she diddnt tell me how my uncle was, she didnt tell me anything. she just said "think happy thoughts, have an awesome time and we'll talk about it when you get home tomorrow." im not looking fowarde to that. the conversation of course. its like when ur little and your introuble adn your parents are like "we'll talke about it later" except this time its not about the time you were late on curfew or lied about that party that you said you weren't going to.
of course she said all this in the most desolate, despairing tone ive ever heard in my life. the only thing i took from that shallow phone conversation was that she loved me. and i love her. the simple i love at the end of the phone conversation is what will sustain me. because i know she loves me and i know i love her more than words can say. and i know we have God on our side (as i so valiantly screamed at the top of my lungs while guessing the right card in a drinking game last night). But i know He's there and we will get thru it becuz of our intense faith. The comfort and love that He has for us will triumph because I have never felt teh power of my faith as much as I have until this very year and the last.
So in the meantime, He will feel for me. I don't know how to feel right now, aside from my sick stomach. I asked Him to take this all right now and feel for me. and He will. I will go out tonite and have a good time and laugh and enjoy life because I can and I'm thankful for every little thing in my life.
Look out all cuz my next entry will probably triple the size of this... and i promise i will try to have some uplifting material... i.e. fun times w/ ole suz and crazy times of vacay...
i love you.
xoxo
current mood:  sick
current music: the roberts wesleyan jazz major's jazz tunes
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| Monday, March 24th, 2003
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12:58 pm - did i mention cathy works for dispatch??
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Indeed, it seems my uncle is not doing so well and indeed there is a war and my cousin is a marine alive (as far as we know) fighting in Iraq and indeed i am not in Virginia this week as i had hoped, but do you know what? It's all sweet bones. Because God is so good to me and therefore life is good to me. and good is indeed an understatement. because never have i experienced so many waves of joy amidst all the chaos and hard times that surround me. Even if this war somehow becomes the worst war in the history of the US, it won't matter because i have faith and i have faith that will allow me to be lifted above it all no matter what kind of sorrows might befall our country, or even my family personally. If the United States where to be demolished tomorrow, I would still have faith, i would still close my eyes and put my trust in the Lord because i know He will deliver me. there is so much comfort in my faith. its so much more than a religion. its so much more than just what i believe because it is what i feel.
But indeed, i would of liked to be spending this week...my spring break week in Virginia, riding a few roller coasters and meeting the Venturo family, but its ok, ive made alternate plans. i.e... get tan, visit cathy, and visit suz. those are the goals this week... and so far i have completed one. I am at BU as we speak, my last day here and I have spent three days with cathy... and do you know why I'm not sad im leaving?? because it will only be about two months before i spend 9 weeks with her straight...
thats right i said 9 weeks .... I'M GOING TO BE A COUNSELOR AT SQUANTO THIS SUMMER!!!! i got the news last week and i cried, i screamed, i prayed, i rejoiced and i cried some more. of course i'm going to need a lot of prayer and a lot of work from now until then because there is nothing i want more than to be able to give back to these kids what my counselors have given to me in the past and now tha ive been given that opportunity... I want to do an amazing job. and deep down, i know i can. i know im ready for it. i am ready to be exhausted emotionally, physically, spiritually... i just pray that the Lord will mold me into the example He wants me to be and fill me with the right words to witness and teach these kids. i pray that He will place me where he wants me within the camp...and thus i pray that i can go and renew my certification for Professional Rescuing CPR with ease. :-P
Still tho i feel like there are areas i need to work on. Cathy and i talked about drinking this weekend. Now we've both established that getting drunk is clearly not something God wants for his followers. but the whole issue of drinking is a gray area. what we had both come up with is that, if you are doing something somewhere (like drinking in public) that can be a stumbling block for others or an example that could lead others astray (especially kids who do not drink and are not sure about the decision themselves) than as Christians we should be using discretion in where we drink and who is seeing us and of course how much we drink. Drinking is clearly a gray area in the Bible. I know that in the privacy of your own home or own dorm room, a couple beers with friends can be a great time. Last thursday i shared so many wonderful moments with my close friends just being ourselves...laughing at people, making bodily noises, and cracking jokes. it was a fun night where there were so many little moments that i will treasure for a lifetime just because i know that my moments are limited with the people i love at Western. and i didnt feel like any less of a Christian for loosening up and having a few laughs. i do think that i may have felt differently if i had done this with a group of people i didnt know and had participated in "sleuty" behavior which i know happens sometimes with me...lol (ashamed face...) but of course, i look to the Lord for guidance in EVERY area of my life... i may have a lot to learn but im willing to be made into the girl he wants me to be. As far as little things tho...or at least the things that ive regarded as little such as my language...well maybe its not so little after all. the whole "oh my god" phrase needs to be reformed. because thats a habit and i can not be saying things like that this summer at all... active effort to limit the swears and eliminate taking the Lord's name in vain starts today.
but there is so much happiness in life today. there are so many little things so full of love and excitement that i dont want to miss a single one. on my drive to boston (before i got lost ...haha) the weather was beautiful, my music was blasting, and my windows were open and i couldnt help but drive with this huge smile on my face. who knows why and when God is going to give me these unbelievable feelings but i know that when i just feel that incredible joy, there is no better feeling in the world. note to self: try praying and feeling that way while riding a roller coaster.... hmmm.... lol
But seriously, the notion of me ... a counselor at camp squanto... i mean come on?? does it get any better? could the Lord be any better to me? i dont even feel worthy and yet im SO excited!
Anyway, on a more worldly note, i love visiting BU. This school kind of makes me feel quite unintelligent tho because i sit here and watch cathy do all this work and work so hard and she complains because she doesnt get the grades she wants and im just like well...i have no homework but i dont go to boston university, cath. she had so sneak me in tho cuz she didnt get a guest pass in time so that sux about this school. the first night i had to swipe myself in with some other girls card and the second night cathy just signed me in and got a violation cuz i never signed out until the next day. lol. what sux tho is that the number one thing to do here is EAT. the food is banging and you look foward to meals like theres no tomorrow. these past two weeks i spent watching what goes into my mouth has totally been blown these past two days... (foot in mouth...) im going to need to go home and run. but probably not before i have another coffee, some snacks, and then out to olive garden for dinner with my parents tonite. (this is after ive eaten a bowl of special k and a good three fourths of the giant belgian waffles we have at western with whip cream and strawberries... mmmm)
But this city is beautiful. We've taken a lot of walks right over the charles river and the views are gorgeous. i so love taking road trips and seeing places im not used to... except getting home should be a task because ive gotta take the T to the train station, get on a train and then walk from that train ride to cathy's house where my car is in westborough and then drive home...:-P im scared lol.
so this week has been pretty darn sweet if you ask me. healey came and i hope had a good time ;) and then jamione came and we watched the ring and went to a meeting at central and all the western kids love her. and then we had a fun thursday night celebrating aaron's birthday and starting a colleen's professional photography club. oh and we invented a fun laundry room prank. i really want to bring a video camera back to school with me... and i here i am in a beautiful city waiting for cathy to get out of class on a beautiful day and i still have a free week ahead of me. i love life. i love my family. i love my friends. i love Jesus. The end.
current music: two coins - dispatch
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| Monday, March 17th, 2003
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11:53 am - quizzes :-P
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| Tuesday, March 11th, 2003
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11:54 pm - WARNING: probably the longest most dramatic entry of my life...
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I just want to write. writing is such a good way to express yourself. some people might sing, some might draw or paint, some might write poetry, but im going to write.
Yesterday a kid in the dorm next door hung himself out of his window on the third floor. i guess he had issues, maybe he was trying to make a statement. he did go to every single door on the third floor that night with a sign that said "war kills." all i know is pat told me what happened and i felt sick to my stomach. i felt sick for the kid and his friends and every single resident in litchfield who had to sit in the student center until 6am. i felt sick for his family...
my mother left for california on sunday to deal with my uncle out there. the only thing she asked of me before she left besides to pray, was to keep myself safe. the only way she can get through what she has had to get through lately and has to get through now is her kids, knowing that they are safe. and then last night, some student takes his own life. i just wonder if he gave any thought as to how much it was going to affect his family and his friends. i wonder if he even thought it would bother people that didnt know him. i wonder if he even thought about the fact that there might be some kid at his school who might be dealing with a dying family member, and his suicide would bring tears to her eyes and force her to call her father at midnight putting her own family situation into perspective. probably not. i dont think he thought about the fact that kids who didnt even know him would care that hes dead. but the truth is, is that something like that affects everyone, in one way or another. my heart just goes out to his family and his friends. becuz i look at my mother and i cant even imagine what she would do if i were that kid. to be so inconsiderate to the people that love you that you take your own life... i just cant understand it. i know there must have been other issues going on his head but as far as im concerned, i would rather suffer thru any horrific pain inside than to bring such pain on the people who love me by taking my own life. but i guess some people are just that selfish...
normally, i dont think that a suicide of someone i didnt even know would affect me as much as it does. but whether its good or bad, it makes me think about whats going on in my family right now.
so i called my father at midnight.
i felt bad but i cried to him. i just wanted to talk to my mom. or hug my dad or hug her or even big ry. but its not like that was happening so i opted to wake my father up, feeling bad that he had to be up at like 5 the next day. so i cried and told him what happened and how i had been thinking about the family and everything and in the end, it felt good to call my dad. he assured me that i shouldnt apologize for calling that late and that he understands, and it was actually something that made me feel closer to him, which is always a challenge on and off with him.
so my mom called me tonight and left a number where i could reach her. i called her in laguna beach, CA at her hotel. my uncle brian and bobby(my uncle's girlfriend) are there with her now. she was honest with me. my mom actually told me this time around whats going on and what doctors are saying. some are saying this is the end. theres no chance for him. and others are saying theres a glimmer of hope. my mom asked me if i could pray for the situation. she asked if i could pray firstly about how God has a plan for my uncle and my family and how if were going to say goodbye to pray for strength and to pray that we would all get through this with our love and faith. and she asks me to do all this praying "if its not too much to ask." are u kidding me mom? are u really kidding me? she was so concerned with the fact that i have a lot going on in my life, that it might be too much to ask for me to think about my uncle, my second father, one of my best friends. of course im bawling throughout most of this conversation, and my mother feels bad for upsetting me. she said she wasnt sure if she was going to tell me all of this, if it was the right thing to let me know whats going on in its entirety. and i told her, im glad she did. i was so angry that she hadnt told me the story with my grandmother, that she had kept everything from me until my grandma was dead, that honestly it would of been unthinkable if she had kept things from me in this situation. my grandmother was dead and cremated before i had a chance to even grasp what was going on. and i never saw her dead or dying...so to this day my grandma is MIA to me. i havent dealt with her death at all and i keep saying that. i keep saying that, expecting one day that it will all hit me. "holy shit miss, gramma lil is dead! your never going to see her again!" but no, ive never come to that realization. i just pray that if this is the end for my uncle that i will accept it and i need to realize that me crying is not such a bad thing. it might actually be healthy. it might actually lead to me dealing with my gramma. but who knows? who honestly knows?
in a way it feels good to cry. i dont feel like such a shithead for having no emotional reaction to something that i feel like should bother me. for some reason, its been in my nature to take things in, get pissed about them, and put them in the back of my mind, never to be dealt with. but im crying, im crying as we speak, im being emotional, and people assure me its not such a bad thing.
but i worry about to what point im allowed to be emotional. right now thinking about the littlest things about my uncle will set me off. i cry when i mention my brothers name and think how i just want to hug him and tell him i love him, and that im always here for him and i want to be his best friend if he would only let me. its just that its my uncle rod... my favorite uncle. i feel bad for making my mom cry when she hung up the phone w/ me. i told her to make sure she tells my uncle that he was my favorite and that i didnt care if uncle brian was in the room becuz my uncle rod is my favorite. and that to tell him that every little thing he ever did for me means so much, from the times he would let me harass him and dress him up and tie his shoe laces together when i was little to all the times he took me to the bushnell... so then of course i felt bad for making her cry...but i just want him to know. i jsut want him to know how much every little thing has ever meant to me.
he spoiled me. he spoiled me to no end. he like adopted me in a way. he was my second father. he was my favorite uncle and i was his favorite niece and there was no debating that. i think my cuzin alli is my uncle marks favorite, but i was, no am, my uncle rod's favorite.
he was the uncle that took me out of everyone to disney world when i was 11 for his business trip.
when i was 15 and the doctor told me that i would be 4'10" for the rest of my life becuz i was done growing, he was the uncle that took me out to get me out of my depression to tell me that "us short people just have to do great things to make up for it." "thats why i make a shit load of money and pump iron," he told me.
he was the uncle that took me to a bazillion broadway shows at the busnell.
he was the uncle that bought me voice lessons for the first time, and ultimately gave me the gift of singing througout my high school career.
he was the uncle that started saving all his spare change for me when my grandmother died, so that he could "take over for her."
he was the uncle that cracked all the crude jokes at holiday dinners that made me laugh, and my parents cringe.
he was the uncle that talked to anyone and everyone anywhere we went.
he was the uncle that was going to help pay for my tuition for a private high school had i made the decision.
he was the uncle that encouraged my every dream.
he was the uncle that loved my friends and me to no end.
he was the uncle that would have done anything for me.
he was the uncle that did everything for me and more.
and i just want him to know that every little thing he ever did means so much to me. i dont think i could ever document the number of places he took me, the number of things he bought me, the amount of advice he gave me, the amount of jokes he told me, or the amount of love he gave me.
and on that note, i cant help but be so incredibly thankful for the family i do have. right now i want call my aunt donna and tell her how much our talks mean to me. i just dont feel like the number of times and number of ways i tell my parents i love them is enuf. i dont feel like ive expressed it enuf. i dont feel like my brother knows how much i truly love him and how i would be lost without him. i am so thankful for the family i do have and that they are all healthy.
ive also never been so thankful for my friends. specifically tonight, my roomate. i mean i appreciate all my friends here that are concerned becuz im upset and love me and hug me but i just needed to get away from the dorm and go for a walk tonite and colleen was there for me. its easier to talk to your best friend, someone who actually knows my uncle, as opposed to my friends who really have no idea. so it felt good tonite to go to her, and cry to her, as opposed to just being alone or having to explain myself to everyone who wants to know whats wrong. it just made me realize how truly thankful i am to have her, my best friend as my roomate. it was just what i needed tonite. so colleen, a big thank you to you, for being you, for putting all your problems aside and listening to mine. its nights like tonight when i realize that contrary to popular belief, that i am really lucky to be rooming with my best friend and that next year, i really am going to miss you, more than i can even express in words.
but its all just a lot to handle, u know? i mean i sit around waiting for the death of my grandmother to hit me. joe finds a way to smile about his sister's death and then i listen to pat tell me all about all the deaths that he has to deal with in his life, one right after the other. cathy calls me and crying hysterically tells me one of her good friends was critically injured in a car accident and that there isnt much hope. then they tell me about my uncle and there goes my mom to california. a day later, a kid hangs himself next door to us. justin tells me he had three seizures friday. and i just want to know why? why do bad things happen? i guess we will never have an answer. but why does it all happen all at once. it all sucks so much, but i know somehow that if i trust in God, there is a reason for it all.
and so, maybe what everyone says is right. God doesnt give us more than we can handle and everything happens for a reason because He has a plan for us all. Maybe shit is happening, and life is full of tragedies lately to help me to grow ulitmately as a person and as a woman of God. Maybe I'm being tested, being given a taste of some of the worst things in life, so that i can overcome them and learn from them and hold close to Him. Maybe these things are happening to bring me closer to my family and my best friends, because i am going away next year, and ill need that intimate closeness to keep alive the amazing relationships i have with them. Maybe its just time that i drew closer to my Lord and my family and even my friends, and let them know how important they are in my life, and tragedy has a way of doing that.
So maybe throughout all the tears, there are positives. As much as ive cried tonight and as sad and as hurt as i am inside, there is a part of me thats smiling. Smiling because there is so much love in my life. Smiling because people care about me. Smiling because i care about people. Smiling because my life is changing but that doesnt mean for the worse. Smiling because im living my life. Smiling because im growing up. Smiling because i know that through it all I have my faith. And there is nothing anyone can do to take that away from me.
I dont really have any typical cliche to end this long ass entry of self reflection. But i just want you to know, and i mean every single one of you, whether you are my roomate, a girl that over works herself in manchester and goes to mcc, a girl that lives in florida, a friend of mine still in high school just waiting for life to start, a friend in mass whose struggling with a lot right now, a friend from western, a friend from camp, or one of my other best friends who happens to read this entry... that i love you all so much. and seriously you have all made a difference in my life, and right now if i were to reflect on something about everyone i would be crying all night (im that ridiculous right now). if i could call you all and tell you all how much i love you right now i would cuz i know this is mad impersonal but i am just so thankful for your friendship right now. it all means so much to me, no matter what level our relationship is on...
we just had a fire drill...its 2 in the morning and freezing out. my stomach is killing me. way to sober me up from all those tears. anyway, im going to bed, and tomorrow im going to try to live every moment of the day and feel every emotion of the day because i can and im alive.
current mood: sad
current music: colorblind - counting crows
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 9th, 2003
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2:29 pm - "for i know the plans i have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you..."
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i hate this. i hate feeling like this. its been a long time since ive felt this way.
where are the positives? why cant i find something positive to dwell on and lift me up?
eh it might have something to do with the fact that there isnt a single body part i can move right now without it throbbing. and i do mean throbbing. as much as i loved my LAST day out of snowboarding, i am suffering now. when ur body is in pain and this physically exhausted, its hard to lift your spirits up.
i dont think it would do much good for me to bitch right and moan and vent right now cuz it would just lead to more and more stuff thats making me feel shitty.
i was supposed to be spending this day with my mother. she left at 7:00 this morning for california. uncle rod had a massive heart attack. hes in ICU...again. hes unresponsive and probably dying. but i will pray expectantly for another miracle as soon as i snap out of my stupid bad mood.
i just want to know how much more of this my mother can take... how many immediate family members does she have to lose in these past couple years. theres barely anyone left.
i havent even dealt with gramma lil yet...at all. and my uncle rod is my favorite uncle. the end.
i dont wanna think about it.
i also dont want to think about this summer becuz i know nothing of camp yet.
well life is going on, miss. u have midterms to take, a play to write, friends and family to pray for.
goodbye to a lot of things.
Lord lift me up.
current mood:  drained
current music: nothing ...
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